


Shopping with the Akatsuki

by Ranowa



Category: Naruto
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, I adore Tobi, I adore them all really, I have No Excuse, Itachi's basically a girl in this, Tobi is a cheerleader, this is nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-30 06:19:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11457750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ranowa/pseuds/Ranowa
Summary: The Akatsuki, like any organization of ninja, must take D-rank missions. The Akatsuki, Tobi included, goes grocery shopping for the daimyo's wife. Chaos ensues. Rated for Hidan's mouth.





	Shopping with the Akatsuki

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-post from ff.net. Some of my /much/ older work, written in 2013.

"Put. It. Back."

"But, Deidara-sempai!"

"No!" Deidara smacked the small book from Tobi's hand and Sasori, in turn, put it back on the shelf. "For the last time, Tobi. We are not here shopping _for you_. We are here because Kakuzu conned us into shopping for the daimyo's wife. And I seriously doubt that she would want, 'How to pick up women in a mask, by Hatake Kakashi'. Trust me, your personality is what will stop the ladies from coming, not your dammed ugly mask, hmm."

Tobi whined as the blond artist pushed the cart further down the aisle, Sasori consulting the list Kakuzu had given them. "Deidara's right, Tobi," he said mildly, reaching for a small bottle of shampoo. "Before my Hiruko got broken, I spent years wearing a mask, and I still got many, many dates. It was because of my charming personality."

Deidara scoffed. "That wasn't a mask, dumb shit. You looked liked a decrepit old man with a tail and had a serial killer voice. Women only said yes to you because they were afraid you would kill them otherwise, hmm. Besides, I get twice as many dates as you."

"Ooh! Ooh! Go Deidara-sempai!"

The blond groaned and smacked a hand to his forehead. "Shut up, Tobi. Anyway, that was because I was _cute_. Also, because I am a fantastic artist. Women love someone who's creative, hmm."

Sasori sighed. "You're not creative, Deidara. All your _creations_ end the same way. True art, true creation, is eternal beauty."

"Your stupid puppets are not eternal beauty." Deidara gestured broadly, snagging another item on the list as he did so, then pulled out a little clay spider from his pocket. " _This_ is true beauty. Art is not meant to be constant and dull. It is changing and goes out with a bang!"

"What kind of art does not last forever?" Sasori argued. He twitched his fingers and out came one of his smaller, cuter puppets, that promptly began dancing on his outstretched hand. "If it does not stand the test of time for the later generations to admire, then it is not real art at all."

Deidara scowled. "Master Sasori, my man, you don't know what you're talking about. Something truly beautiful can not last forever. Change and explosions; those are beautiful- your puppets are nothing but dull and constant. Look once and you've seen all there is to see, hmm."

"But your art is never different, Deidara. It is always the same thing; an animal made from explosive clay. Mine is what is different; each of my puppets is unique and special. That, also, is what true artists must do- ensure that their work does not repeat and every creation of theirs is new and different.

"Keep talking, and you'll end up the same way my art does, hmm."

Tobi cheered and began clapping his hands together in excitement. "Deidara-sempai, are you guys going to fight again?! I can't wait! Tobi's a good boy; Tobi will watch and be your cheerleader! Give me a D, E, I-"

"For the love of god-"

"-D, A-"

"I will kill you if you finish that cheer-!"

"-R, A- what's that spell?!"

" _Shut up!_ "

" _Deidara! Woooooooooooh!_ "

Sasori hung his head in embarrassment while Deidara looked like he wanted to strangle him. " _Shut up_ , you demented masked freak! I never asked you to be my cheerleader, hmm!"

"We've got spirit, yes we do! The Akatsuki's the best out of all the rest! Tobi's a good boy, yes he is! Tobi cheers for _Deidara-sempai_ Deidara-sempai, Deidara-sempai, Deidara-sempai! Go Dei-"

" _Katsu!_ "

Sasori gave a loud, defeated sigh when the smoke cleared, revealing a decimated aisle and a Tobi crouched in the middle of the smoking hole in the shelves. His head was tilted to the side inquisitively and he gave a little wave. "Hello, Deidara-sempai!"

"Why you-"

Deidara threw himself to the floor and locked his hands around the masked man's throat, ignoring his squeal of fright. Sasori rolled his eyes, then cleared his throat. He reached down to grab the two and pull them away by the backs of their robes, kicking the cart in front oh him. "Clean up in aisle ten. Clean up in aisle ten."

* * *

"I'm not getting it," Kakuzu snapped.

"Well I'm sure as hell not going to! This whole mission is because of you! _You_ get it!"

Kakuzu glowered. "This mission is because we need money. That's why I accepted it. We need money because _you_ insisted on taking the last three targets for your curse ceremony, so I was unable to collect the bounty. Therefore, this is _your_ fault- _you_ get it."

Hidan howled. " _No!_ I will sacrifice your fucking ass before that happens!"

"Have fun trying, you religious masochist. Now go get it."

" _You get it!_ "

Kakuzu twisted and prodded Hidan forward with a tentacle, which Hidan promptly sliced off with his scythe. "Get it with one of your damn tentacles, you fucker!"

"Go to hell."

Hidan jabbed at Kakuzu with his weapon, pushing him towards the aisle. " _You go!_ "

Kakuzu groaned, then turned away from the aisle and pushed Hidan back so they weren't causing such a scene. "Look, this will go on forever if we let it. So-"

"So I've got a fucking brilliant idea- why don't you fucking go, and fucking get it, _before I sacrifice your fucking ass for-_ "

" _That wasn't what I meant, dumbass!_ " Kakuzu punched Hidan so hard it would've killed him if the man wasn't immortal and glared as the Akatsuki member crashed into a shelf. Hidan flailed all the way to the ground and landed in a pile of cans, and he managed to catch Kakuzu and one poor passerby with his scythe before clambering to his feet, looking mad enough to rip Kakuzu's head off.

" _What the hell was that for?!_ "

Kakuzu glared again. "If you don't stop screaming, you are going to get us both thrown out of here! And we need this mission paycheck!"

"How the fuck much can this bitch be paying us to do her dammed shopping for her?! Doesn't she have servants to do this kind of thing, she's the fucking daimyo's fucking wife! Why the hell does she get _us_ to do it?!"

"Because we have a mission success rate of 100% and we are in desperate need of the funds. Although, maybe, if I brought _your_ head in for a bounty we wouldn't be in such financial trouble- but I'm sure they'd give you right back to me; no one wants a talking head."

Hidan jabbed at him with his weapon again, and this time actually raised his scythe to his mouth before Kakuzu smacked it down. "Look, dumbass, we need a way to settle who is going to get the next item on the list. It's the last one; then we just have to wait for the others. And no, we are _not_ going to settle it by sacrificing anyone!"

Hidan pouted, a look which didn't really suit him, and slumped against his scythe. "Well, that's just great. You took all the fun out of it! What the hell are we supposed to do, then? Hmm… hmm… hmm… I don't know… rock paper scissors?"

Kakuzu looked mad enough to actually take Hidan's heart and use it for himself. "We are two of the most feared shinobi in the entire world. _We are not doing that!_ "

"We're grocery shopping for some lord's old hag of a wife! I don't think there's much of our dignity left to save, Kakuzu!"

"Maybe not you. But that's because you never had any dignity to save in the first place."

"Oi! What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"

Kakuzu leveled him with a flat stare. "You are a sexual masochist who has no problem stabbing himself, then screaming in pleasure for the entire word to see. You have no dignity."

"Well at least I don't fucking suck people's hearts out, you demented creep! _You're_ the one who has no dignity!"

Kakuzu sighed. "Look," he deadpanned, "if I agree to your stupid rock paper scissors, will that end this discussion?"

" _Fine!_ But when this is over, your ass is being fucking sacrificed for Jashin."

"I'd love to meet your god someday. And kill him for being the reason I have to suffer through your dammed ceremony every other day."

" _Jashin will kill you for blasphemy, asshat!"_

"He'll have to kill me five times, then."

"For the love of Jashin! _Fuck you, Kakuzu!_ "

"Janken pon."

"Wait, wait, I wasn't ready-"

"You're lucky you're not dead yet, you religious pathetic excuse for a-"

" _Fuck you! Janken pon!"_

The two threw their moves down, then stared.

Kakuzu smirked.

Hidan screamed in anger.

" _You fucking unreligious asshat!"_

Still smirking triumphantly, Kakuzu kicked his partner toward the aisle, lurking back in safety at the front of the supermarket. "I win."

Hidan twisted to glare daggers at Kakuzu, then turned back with a huff to storm down the aisle. "I'll get you for this, Kakuzu!"

"I don't care. Hurry up. I'm waiting."

Hidan stomped away, ignoring the strange looks he drew from the other civilian women. He furiously grabbed the daimyo's wife's box of tampons, then turned and stomped all the way back to Kakuzu. He threw the box into their cart with such force it nearly bounced out, then looked back at his partner. " _There!_ " he hissed. "Satisfied?!"

Kakuzu took one look, then tossed the box back to him. "These won't work."

"Wha- _why the hell not?!_ "

"You didn't get the cheapest brand. Go back and get it."

Hidan looked positively livid. " _You fucking bastard! You go back and get it! You're the one who cares so much about money anyway you cheap fuck!"_

"I won at Janken Pon. Now you go back and get the cheapest brand. Now."

" _No! And how the fucking hell do you know what the cheapest brand is?!"_

"That is none of your concern."

" _I hate you, Kakuzu!"_

* * *

Itachi frowned at the raw fish as long as his arm that Kisame had slapped into their basket. He covered his nose and mouth with his shirt at the smell and shuddered before looking back at his partner. "Kisame, that's not on the list."

The man shrugged. "It's better than what is. What does she eat? Salad?"

Itachi glanced at his partner again. "Probably. But not everybody is half shark like you; she can actually stomach things besides raw meat."

"I'm only trying to help, Itachi-san. No one can live off what's on this list."

"Put. The fish. Back."

Kisame sighed and took the fish out of the basket. Instead of returning it as Itachi asked, however, he dropped it into his own mouth. The Uchiha shivered at the sight of a shark devouring a large fish and Kisame shrugged, utterly unconcerned. "I didn't eat lunch today."

"You're paying for that." Itachi pushed the cart forward and glanced back at the list, snagging items of food as they progressed down the aisle.

Kisame grunted noncommittally. "Whatever you like, Itachi-san. Ugh… why are we even doing this? What daimyo contacted Kakuzu for this mission, anyway?"

"Actually, it was a Kage's girlfriend," Itachi corrected mildly. "Kakuzu just told the rest that it was a daimyo's wife so they wouldn't start complaining about why her own village couldn't do this."

"I'd like to know that as well."

Itachi shrugged. "It doesn't matter. Let's just get this over with, Kisame."

Kisame groaned loudly. 'But it is such a waste of time, Itachi-san. We take S-ranks everyday and come back uninjured for enough money to buy a house. And now we have to do this lousy D-rank when the paycheck probably isn't enough to pay for my lunch? And _why_ does it take _six_ of us?"

"Blame Kakuzu. I'm just here for the nail polish." So saying, the Uchiha picked a new bottle of lavender nail polish off one of the shelves and dropped it into the car.

Kisame gave another loud, defeated groan. "Not again, Itachi-san."

"What? Do you know how hard it is to paint my nails when I'm going blind? If you didn't do it for me, then it would never get done."

"And that would just be the end of the world."

"It is very important for my reputation."

"No one cares about your nails!" Kisame protested angrily. "Why don't you get contact lenses or something so it looked like you had a permanent Sharingan that was always on? _That_ would be scary!"

Itachi frowned. "But then my eyes could get irritated."

"…A haircut, so you wouldn't look so feminine?"

"My neck would get cold."

"Botox for the lines on your face?"

"Those aren't wrinkles. Botox wouldn't do anything."

Kisame heaved a tired, world-weary sigh and grabbed at a head of cabbage. "Honestly, Itachi-san…"

The two continued walking down the hallway, hunting down the remaining items on the list in relative silence. Kisame got a curious light in his eyes when they passed a collar that he thought would be perfect for Samehada, and Itachi just pulled him away and patiently explained, for the hundredth time, that Samehada was not a dog.

Kisame was just returning from fetching more of what looked like weeds to him to find Itachi back with the cosmetics, now eagerly searching through containers of eye shadow. Well, as eagerly as the cold Uchiha ever did anything, anyway. "Itachi-san?" Kisame asked, bewildered. "What are you doing now?"

"Look, Kisame." Itachi raised one of the containers and showed it to him, once again giving what was the Uchiha equivalent of excitement. "It's lavender eye shadow. It would go perfectly with my nails."

Kisame stared, agape. Itachi's black eyes bored into his own, seeming waiting for his response, so he stuttered for a moment before managing to ask, "Just… why?"

"I think we should buy this, Kisame. It would bring out the color of my eyes."

Kisame narrowed his eyes. "Yeah, since the color of your eyes changes and all, that's a brilliant idea. Besides, no one likes a man with red eyes. Black ones, maybe, but not red. You don't want to-"

"But it matches my fingers, Kisame. It matches them. This is what will help improve my image; not a haircut or Botox or anything else you were saying earlier. The eyes, after all, are why the Uchiha are to be feared; if I wear this, then it would just draw attention to my eyes. It would be perfect."

"…Itachi-san?"

"Yes, Kisame?"

"I am never going to put that on for you."

Itachi frowned. "What? But I can't do it myself. I can barely even see as it is-"

"No. I draw my line at the nail polish. Absolutely not."

"Hmm… oh, I know. I will just have to change your mind."

Kisame glowered at him. "If you dare use Tsukuyomi on me, that's it; I won't ever paint your stupid nails again-"

"No. I'm too tired to use that today. Hmm… hmm…" Suddenly, the Uchiha brightened. Or as much as someone whose expression was only ever cold or murderous could brighten. He turned to look at Samehada, which was resting on Kisame's shoulder, and his eyes flashed red. " _Amaterasu."_

Kisame barely managed to dodge the all consuming black fire, whipping Samehada out of the way. "Wha- what the _hell_ , Itachi-san?!" he stammered, jumping back before he caught on fire. "What the hell is your problem?!"

"If you refuse to hep me apply my eye shadow, then I will just incinerate your sword in retaliation. _Ama-"_

"Two can play at that game, Itachi-san! If you want me to turn this store into an ocean and you into shark bait, I will!"'

"Amaterasu beats water, Kisame. _Amat-_ shit! My eye!"

Kisame crossed his arms impatiently as Itachi clamped a hand over his now bleeding eye and swore again, doubling over. The Uchiha groaned under his breath. "Aah… oww… damn eye!"

"That's what you get for making fire explode out of your eye, Itachi-san."

With a heavy sigh, the Uchiha dropped the eye shadow into the basket and allowed Kisame to drag him away from the cosmetics before they ended up with lipstick and mascara, too.

* * *

"Where the fucking hell does this stupid daimyo live, anyway?!"

"Kakuzu-sempai, Kakuzu-sempai, I tried to get you a book to help you get girls but Sasori-sempai and Deidara-sempai didn't let me!"

"We are ridiculously late. I hate making people wait."

"It's not my fault that the cashier tried to ignore the discount. Money makes the world run, and he tried to take ours."

"Just let me and my art fly us there, hmm!"

"Your art is nothing but a lame creation that disappears in an instant."

"Oh yeah? Well can your art _fly?!_ "

"We've got spirit, yes we do! The Akatsuki's the best out of all the rest-"

" _Shut up, Tobi!_ "

The Akatsuki trudged through the pouring rain towards the city, the arguments escalating further. Itachi sidled up to Kakuzu amidst the chaos and muttered into his ear, "Why are we in Rain Country? Amegakure doesn't have a Kage."

Kakuzu just shrugged and consulted the piece of paper in his hands. "Well, this is the address. It's not my fault if they gave us the wrong address."

Tobi bounded up to Deidara, tugging him back from his involved discussion about art with Sasori. "Deidara-sempai, Deidara-sempai," he cried, "I forgot my spare mask back at the store, can we go get it?"

Deidara smacked a hand to his forehead. "No, Tobi, we can't. We wouldn't in the first place, and we're not allowed back there, anyway."

"Relax, Tobi. I can make you a new one," Sasori comforted. "I can fashion a functional puppet that doesn't make it look like an orange monster is devouring your face."

Deidara scoffed. "You're not one to talk. Don't listen to him, Tobi. His puppets are uglier than what you already wear."

"At least my puppets can do something besides explode."

"At least my art actually does something besides entertain children at a cheap birthday party, hmm."

Sasori frowned, and his pale fingers twitched in annoyance. "Don't tempt me, Deidara. I'll show you my puppets are really good for."

"Ha. Like I'm afraid of your damn 'eternal beauty'. Art is a blast, hmm! _Kat_ -"

"If you blow up _one more thing_ , Deidara, then you won't get your pay for this mission."

Deidara rolled his eyes and glared at Kakuzu. "Oh, no. I guess I won't be able to afford that new hair tie. And since when are _you_  in charge of the Akatuski, Kakuzu? You and your partner are just two freaks who refuse to die."

Hidan blanched and whirled on his heel, pointing at the blond artist with his curse scythe. "Two freaks who refuse to die? Well, fucker, I bet _you_ wouldn't refuse to die when I've cursed your ass and I'm sacrificing you-"

" _And we're here!_ " Kisame yelled over the uproar before any one of them wound up as sacrifices, then shared an exasperated look with Itachi. "Not a moment too soon, eh?"

"Mmm." Itachi walked forward to knock on the door, then glanced around in confusion. "Kakuzu, are you sure this is the right place? It's the middle of Amegakure…"

Kakuzu shrugged blandly, and then the door opened to reveal the Deva Path of Pain. The redhead eyed them blankly for a moment, then his eyes alighted on the many bags in their hands and he brightened. He turned and walked away from the open door, calling, "Konan, baby, the kids are done shopping."

"Oh, fantastic. Thank you, Pain." Konan slipped around the dark corner and took the bags from the dumbfounded Akatsuki, then smiled at them all. "Thanks, you guys. You're lifesavers. I've been needing to go shopping for weeks but just couldn't find the time."

They all stared in disbelief as the lone female Akatsuki dropped bag after bag of groceries into her house. Konan steadily went about her work, ignorant of their shock, then handed over a check to Kakuzu. "There you are. Thank you, again. You saved me the trouble of doing it myself."

The woman, seeming oblivious to all of their torturous suffering at the store, simply turned back into her home and shut the door, leaving them all out in the rain.

Deidara slowly, calmly, slipped his hand into his clay pouch, and the sound of munching could be heard from within. "Kakuzu? Permission to kill Konan and Pain?"

Kakuzu glanced at the check, then shrugged and turned on his heel. "I've got the money. Permission granted."

"Thank you. Ahem… _Katsu!_ "


End file.
